Chief Mockery Officer

Now too lazy to post...go to my Facebook page

2011-05-17T14:53:00.000-07:00

The one hour of actual work I have to at the office is proving too much. For the time being I won't be posting on this blog but just putting stuff up directly on my Facebook page. If you haven't done it yet, LIKE ME or FOLLOW ME.

This is truly gangsta

2011-04-25T13:55:00.000-07:00

Titties and carrot cake: that actually is all I really need.

via Huffington Post

Gatling gun slingshot

2011-04-25T13:45:00.000-07:00

This guy could sell a bunch to the Libyan rebels.

via BroBible

Flaming wallet prank

2011-04-25T13:25:00.000-07:00

Do this at the wrong fast food joint and you might just get yourself accidentally shot.

via Stuff I Stole From The Internet

Car Porn of the Day: Lamborghini Aventador

2011-04-25T13:19:00.000-07:00

Makes me wish I had a better job. Sigh...

Uber fusion

2011-04-25T13:15:00.000-07:00

This can't possibly be good. I can only imagine the morning aftermath on the toilet.

via Banned in Hollywood

Vietnamese girl rocks Billie Jean

2011-04-25T13:10:00.000-07:00

I'm just thrilled to have a post on a Vietnamese girl and it's actually SFW. This girl is pretty awesome though.

via Hyphen Magazine

Our Marines can do a Britney cover and still kick ass

2011-04-22T07:30:00.001-07:00

Why dating an older MILF would be awesome

2011-04-22T07:22:00.000-07:00

via UberHumor

Mission Impossible Squirrel

2011-04-22T07:13:00.000-07:00

Some bored people in England set up this contraption in their backyard and trained a squirrel to get all Mission Impossible.

Naked chicks help society

2011-04-21T07:34:00.000-07:00

Nudity for Charity could be the greatest Internet invention of all time. The site enables ladies to raise money for their favorite charity by offering to get naked once a certain dollar threshold is raised. So far only a handful of girls have taken advantage of this wonderful concept but I'm hopeful this site will really take off.

I could use some Viagra beer

2011-04-21T07:25:00.000-07:00

To commemorate the upcoming royal nuptials, Scottish brewery Brewdog is releasing Royal Virility Performance Viagra Beer which contains herbal Viagra and other goodies that are suppose to get you strong like wood. Bottles sell for about 15 bucks and only 1,000 bottles will be available.

via Laughing Squid

College degrees explained

2011-04-21T07:18:00.000-07:00

via Izismile

My work day anthem

2011-04-21T07:03:00.005-07:00

I need this pill

2011-04-21T06:54:00.001-07:00

via Uber Humor

Who says there are no jobs to be had

2011-04-21T06:49:00.000-07:00

via Turd Furgeson Blog

Crush of the Day: Nathalie Kelley

2011-04-20T07:40:00.000-07:00

I love those aha moments, like this morning when I realized that the girl from 2 Fast 2 Furious Tokyo Drift is also that sexy cutie in the Bruno Mars video. Let's hope we see more of Nathalie Kelley in the future. Oh btw, she's got a topless photo floating around so if you've got some free time at work...

94 percent chance you will get bowel cancer

2011-04-20T07:22:00.000-07:00

Here's some bad news dear minions: a recent study in Australia shows that having a desk job will increase your chances of developing a tumor in your bowels by 94 percent. Apparently even vigorous exercise won't help:

"Even a high level of vigorous recreational physical activity did not modify the effect of sedentary work.' And they warned: ‘The findings have occupational health implications, given that advances in technology have led to increasing amounts of sedentary behaviour at work.' Sitting down on the job is thought to lead to increased blood sugar levels and damage insulin production, both of which have been linked with the development of bowel cancer"

So basically you're screwed.

I now like ukuleles

2011-04-20T07:14:00.000-07:00

via BuzzHunt

Happy 420 Day

2011-04-20T07:13:00.000-07:00

I don't partake but I'm sure some of you do. Puff puff give minions.

via My Confined Space

Tracy Morgan on the Internet

2011-04-20T06:59:00.001-07:00

via Uber Humor

When a tow truck would be a good idea

2011-04-20T06:57:00.000-07:00

via Random Funny Picture

I guess the Monty Python crew sould also be thrown in jail

2011-04-15T08:32:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure why there isn't more outrage over the jailing of YouTube comedian Evan Emory for the video he made of himself singing a sexually explicit song to a bunch of school kids. Now, he didn't actually sing the dirty words to the kids, he simply used some creative video editing to make it seem like he did. Apparently the parents of the kids got in a tizzy and long story short, Mr. Emory will now spend two months in jail and be forever cast as a child molester for a silly little prank.

Now don't get me wrong, OBVIOUSLY I'm against sexually exploiting kids. But this is just plain retarded. Sending a guy to jail for a presumably funny ass video (the video was taken down so I haven't actually seen it) where no kids were actually molested seems a bit - no, very much over the top. If this guy gets jail time for his video, than perhaps we should send the comedic geniuses behind The Meaning of Life to the electric chair for their epic sperm song below. Forget video splicing, these fuckers had kids actually singing about the sanctity of sperm. AND some of them were naked as well.

Hope I don't get thrown in jail for this post.

BBC Human Planet: The Douche

2011-04-15T08:12:00.000-07:00

The shirt you should wear on your next performance review

2011-04-15T08:06:00.000-07:00

via The Laughing Squid

That must be one damn good cupcake

2011-04-15T08:04:00.000-07:00

via Banned in Hollywood

Vanity license plate of the day

2011-04-15T08:02:00.001-07:00

via EPICponyz

Looks like someone likes bacon

2011-04-15T08:01:00.000-07:00

via I Love Bacon

Sometimes all you need is a good bro

2011-04-14T07:52:00.001-07:00

via Bits and Pieces

The truth about porn

2011-04-14T07:51:00.000-07:00

via Uber Humor

Annoying interview question

2011-04-14T07:06:00.000-07:00

Not worth a good parking spot

2011-04-14T07:04:00.000-07:00

via The Chive

My kind of nail salon

2011-04-14T07:02:00.004-07:00

via I Love Bacon

The truth about net worth

2011-04-14T07:02:00.003-07:00

via UberHumor

I also prefer the handicap stall

2011-04-14T07:02:00.002-07:00

via EPICponyz

The sex equation

2011-04-14T07:02:00.001-07:00

via Top Cultured

I'm grateful for pigs

2011-04-14T07:02:00.000-07:00

via Sober in a Nightclub

I need one of these complaint forms

2011-04-13T07:31:00.000-07:00

Then I can formally complain about the asshole coworker in the office next to me who constantly passes gas and doesn't bother washing his hands after going #1 or #2.

via The High Definite

I have two, you can imagine how small mine is

2011-04-13T07:27:00.000-07:00

via Izismile

Ladies, here's how to get a guy's attention in bed

2011-04-13T07:22:00.000-07:00

How my coworkers must feel

2011-04-13T07:20:00.000-07:00

via My Confined Space

I was hoping the dolphins would eat the cat, never happened

2011-04-13T07:17:00.000-07:00

Surfing a river in Indonesia

2011-04-12T08:07:00.001-07:00

Definitely NOT Megan Fox

2011-04-12T08:06:00.000-07:00

via Bigredkev

A hand sanitizer every guy needs

2011-04-12T08:04:00.000-07:00

Crush of the Day: Keri Anne Taylor

2011-04-11T08:14:00.000-07:00

So I'm watching Gilbert Melendez destroy Tatsuya Kawajiri during Saturday's Strikeforce match when the camera pans over to Gilbert's stunning wife. Luckily Showtime was nice enough to show her name and I automatically Google'd: Keri Anne Taylor. Apparently, in addition to being one amazingly hot MILF, Keri Anne is also an MMA fighter. That is just fucking hot.

Possibly the greatest office tool ever invented

2011-04-11T07:57:00.000-07:00

Hate reports? Hate the aholes you have to send the reports to? I sure do. After I finally get off my ass and head to the office today, my one and only action item is to email some reports to a bunch of dick executives. These are the same assholes who undoubtedly conspired to cut my stock options this year. So how will I get my petty revenge for their bastardly act cheapness? By running all the reports through this document corrupter that I found courtesy of I Heart Chaos.

How does it work? I have no fucking idea but once you run your document through the corrupter, it modifies the file so that it can no longer open. And since these executives are computer illiterate idiots - one of them literally has his admin print out every single email he receives so that he can hand-write responses for her to type up - they'll end up spending all day trying to open them.

Color code

2011-04-11T07:42:00.000-07:00

I actually got into an argument with my girl last night over the color of her dress. I said it was purple, she said it was maroon. The chart below proves I was right.

via I Love Bacon

5-Star Wendy's

2011-04-11T07:39:00.000-07:00

I don't know about you but I found this review quite helpful.

via For teh LULZ

I guess my thumb is just abnormally long

2011-04-10T10:47:00.001-07:00

via Mendel's Soup

Arianny Celeste is why you should buy the May issue of FHM Australia

2011-04-09T08:26:00.000-07:00

And if you don't happen to live in Australia, you can check out this quick teaser.

via BroBible

If Moses had the Internet

2011-04-09T08:15:00.001-07:00

via Neatorama

Will Ferrell on parenthood

2011-04-09T08:10:00.000-07:00

via Bigredkev

Awesome voicemail apology

2011-04-09T07:50:00.000-07:00

He has a valid point: why does she not have big ass titties?

via Someecards

Important PSA on picking up dog poo

2011-04-09T07:45:00.000-07:00

via AmyOops

It does feel good to be a gangsta

2011-04-09T07:42:00.000-07:00

via My Confined Space

They're back

2011-04-09T07:41:00.000-07:00

The adorable daughter/father team is back with their rendition of a 4 Non Blondes song.

via Caveman Circus

Crush of the Day: Katrina Bowden

2011-04-07T07:09:00.002-07:00

Katrina Bowden recently pulled an upset and won Esquire's Sexiest Woman Alive Madness, beating out 63 other hotties including some Crushes of the Day such as Irina Shayk and Miranda Kerr.

Our employees are dicks

2011-04-07T07:09:00.001-07:00

Look what I saw yesterday at the company parking lot. I can totally picture what happened. Some 300 lb obese motherfucker was stuffing his face with a Danish as he entered the parking lot. Upon seeing the open parking spot which was close to the front of the building - limiting the distance he would have to waddle and sweat to the front door - he punched on the accelerator and slammed his car into the parking spot as well as the car in front of him. As he gasped for air, feeling his arteries pulsing at maximum capacity, he decided that it wasn't worth the effort to find another parking spot. Well why didn't he at least back up, you ask? Because at that exact moment, Mr. Reason Why Our Fucking Healthcare Costs Are So High realized that it was Wednesday which meant crepes were being served at the cafeteria. No time to back up. He needed to get his damn crepes before they run out.

If this had happened to my Porsche, there would have been YouTube footage of me chasing some wildebeest employee around our campus with my beating stick.

One reason I want a baby

2011-04-07T07:09:00.000-07:00

Although I'm pretty sure this is child endangerment.

via Tastefully Offensive

Don't worry, it's just some minor body damage

2011-04-07T07:08:00.002-07:00

via Stuff I Stole From the Internet

Segway jousting is awesome

2011-04-07T07:08:00.001-07:00

Decisions, decisions

2011-04-07T07:08:00.000-07:00

via Bigredkev

This photo just makes me happy

2011-04-06T07:05:00.000-07:00

via Guyism

Honest warning sign

2011-04-06T07:03:00.000-07:00

via The High Definite

Interracial passive aggressiveness

2011-04-06T07:01:00.000-07:00

via Tastefully Offensive

Pick your poison

2011-04-06T06:59:00.001-07:00

via Uber Humor

This little guy likes 'em big and black

2011-04-06T06:58:00.001-07:00

Little Dog Humps Big Dog - Watch more Funny Videos

Hire monkeys

2011-04-05T07:26:00.000-07:00

In the event your office doesn't have enough corporate monkeys, you can hire a few more through The Monkey Recruitment Agency. My company has so many I may decide to start a competing firm.

Looking for a new employee? Got a vacancy you just can’t fill?

We will scour the world for a suitable monkey to meet your needs.

Just fill in the form below with your requirements and we will scour the world to find you a monkey matching your specification, and if we can find a suitable recruit we’ll publish their profile on this site*.

To help us find the right monkey for you we need to know:
1) Your Name/Business
2) The Job Title and ideally a description of what you want the monkey to do. Good examples include:

“Sexy International Jewel Thief’s Assistant - A monkey assistant who will be treated well and get a fair share of my looting gains. He will have to wear a humorous tuxedo though, heh heh”

“Holding an oversized metallic lollipop whilst supervising smaller monkeys crossing a busy high street at peak times. Will be required to wear a hi-vis jacket (provided) and leather chaps (not provided). An awareness of basic Road Safety is a must.”

via The Presurfer

Now this is an office prank

2011-04-05T07:21:00.000-07:00

via Random Funny Picture

Ahhh...marriage

2011-04-05T07:19:00.001-07:00

via My Confined Space

Cuteness overload of the day: polar bear plays with blue bucket

2011-04-05T07:18:00.001-07:00

via Urlesque

Why I will be buying these earphones

2011-04-05T05:30:00.000-07:00

If only Zipp Earz earphones really had this effect on girls.

Your typical corporate management structure

2011-04-04T07:09:00.001-07:00

via Uber Humor

How to use a backscratcher

2011-04-04T07:09:00.000-07:00

via Uber Humor

If she can do this with an orange...

2011-04-04T07:08:00.000-07:00

via WTF Japan Seriously!?

Crush of the Day: Poonam Pandey

2011-04-02T13:31:00.000-07:00

Why is Poonam Pandey my Crush of the Day? Let me count the ways:

1) Her first name sounds so close to poonani.
2) She's both a patriot and sports-lover as demonstrated by her offer to get butt naked if her country's team wins the world championship. Granted India is the country and cricket is the sport, but still.
3) She's fucking hot.

Asian girls are crazy

2011-04-02T00:31:00.006-07:00

I should know, I've dated plenty. Admittedly, this 17-year old girl from Florida by the name of Rachel Ann Hachero has taken crazy to a whole new level by pistol-whipping her mom and forcing her to a car dealership to buy a 2004 Nissan 350Z. She was arrested the next day when the mom called the cops on her daughter's crazy ass. The best part: Rachel Ann is/was Harvard-bound.

This kid is everywhere!

2011-04-02T00:31:00.005-07:00

First he was demanding more food. Now he's doing some combo yoga-soccer-with-a-basketball thing. I need to meet this fat bastard.

via Damn Hot

I need to get a hold of these note pads

2011-04-02T00:31:00.004-07:00

via I Love Bacon

Hangover 2 will be the best movie of the year

2011-04-02T00:31:00.003-07:00

And the love of my life Jamie Chung is in the movie. That's really all I need in a movie.

I need to go down this slide

2011-04-02T00:31:00.002-07:00

via Buzz Hunt

White men can jump

2011-04-02T00:31:00.001-07:00

All five foot eleven inches of Jacob Tucker from lil 'ol Illinois College won the NCAA dunk contest beating out a bunch of taller Division I ballers. I'm the same height as this guy and I barely can touch the net.

It's probably a good thing the light saber doesn't exist

2011-04-02T00:31:00.000-07:00

via Bigredkev

No more stock options for the CMO

2011-04-01T07:24:00.005-07:00

For the first time in over a decade at this crappy company, I did not receive stock options as part of my bonus. Surprisingly it had nothing to do with my 2 hour work weeks, complete disregard for all company policies, or inappropriate use of body hair in the office. No, rather it's part of the on-going screwage of the company employees in the name of earnings per share. I was completely behind this option limitation trend when it was only effecting rank and file employees. But now that it has impacted someone of my seniority and stature – I’m the Chief Mockery Officer for goodness sakes – I think this is utter bullshit.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like our options are worth anything considering our stock price has moved in lock-step with that of a Barry Bonds rookie card. But it was a nice symbolic gesture that unfortunately is a thing of the past. Perhaps in the future the company will consider giving out put options to employees. Now that will be worth some real money.

Best office pranks for April Fool's Day

2011-04-01T07:24:00.004-07:00

Today is April 1st so you have carte blanche to pool any prank you want on that douchebag coworker you hate so much. For some ideas, check out this list on Huffington Post.

6 ways to pee in public

2011-04-01T07:24:00.003-07:00

I'm sure these are applicable in the office as well.

via Devour

Turns out this is not for a real gym

2011-04-01T07:24:00.002-07:00

They sell clothes and stuff. Whatever, this is still a pretty hot commercial.

via BroBible

This guy is Japanese. Really.

2011-04-01T07:24:00.001-07:00

via The High Definite

One badass baby

2011-04-01T07:24:00.000-07:00

via Stuff I Stole From the Internet

Asians know their ping pong

2011-03-31T07:39:00.000-07:00

via Top Cultured

My perfect day

2011-03-31T07:37:00.001-07:00

via Uber Humor

When was the last time you gave a shit?

2011-03-31T07:37:00.000-07:00

via My Confined Space

Dog confused by fart machine

2011-03-31T07:28:00.000-07:00

via Bits and Pieces

Patrice O'Neal values White women

2011-03-31T07:24:00.003-07:00

via Banned in Hollywood

Big boy wants more food

2011-03-31T07:24:00.002-07:00

via Asian Joke

Drunk dialed voicemails are awesome

2011-03-31T07:24:00.001-07:00

via Bits and Pieces

Only some of you will get why this is funny

2011-03-31T07:24:00.000-07:00

via I Heart Chaos

I'm a Bruin yet I have to give props to these two Trojans

2011-03-30T07:41:00.003-07:00

Nothing says school pride like banging in public during a recent "philanthropic event". Ahhh...to be back in college.

via Gawker

Why didn't I think of this...

2011-03-30T07:41:00.002-07:00

via BroBible