50 tips for surviving your work day

This list circulated around last year but I didn't have this blog last year, so fuck you.  The ALL CAPS are my commentary.

Don't promise what you can't deliver.  I ONLY PROMISE THAT I WILL NOT DELIVER.

Learn to manage your emotions, instead of letting them control you.  I ALMOST SLUGGED A COWORKER OVER AN ARMOIRE.

Cultivate a sense of humor.  I HAVE A POOPING REINDEER ON MY DESK.

Resist perfectionism.  I HAVE A PERFECT RECORD OF ZERO BUSINESS TRAVEL OVER THE PAST 12 MONTHS.

Resist micromanaging (of yourself and others).  I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE PERSON WHO WORKS FOR ME DOES.

Get the sleep you need.  I TAKE MICRO NAPS IN THE OFFICE.

Try getting to work 10-15 minutes early.  IF THE WORK DAY STARTED AT 10AM.

Take regular breaks.  CALL ME THE PERFECT EMPLOYEE IN REGARDS TO THIS.

Take a walk at lunch, or do some stretching exercises, or jumping jacks, or something.  LUNCH IS FOR LUNCH.  3-5PM IS FOR WORKING OUT.

Don't overdo the caffeine.  P*SSY.


(see the rest of the list after the jump)


Don't skip breakfast or lunch.  WHO WOULD DO SUCH A THING?

Learn to recognize symptoms of stress (anxiety, headache, anger) so you can nip it in the bud.  AND HIS NAME IS JOEL.

Make some friends/allies at work.  LIFE TO ME IS ONE BIG GAME OF AXIS & ALLIES.

Talk about your stress, to somebody.  POOR KARLA.

Pay attention to your breathing; slow it down, deepen it.  MUCH BETTER WITH A CIGAR.

Post family photos (or other images that make you happy) in your workspace.  CIGAR GIRLS.

Focus on the now (i.e., don't agonize over the past, don't fret over the future).  I NEED TO GO PEE…BE RIGHT BACK.

Take some alone time.  IT’S CALLED STALL #1, MENS BATHROOM

Find harmless ways to vent; e.g., cry, or punch a pillow.  THREATEN TO PUNCH A COWORKER OVER AN ARMOIRE.  DON’T ACTUALLY PUNCH COWORKER OVER ARMOIRE.

Vary your routine.  SOMETIMES DIM SUM, SOMETIMES SUSHI, OCCASIONALLY MEXICAN…WE KEEP IT VARIED.

Stop trying to multitask.  ONLY RETARDED PEOPLE STRUGGLE TO MULTITASK. 

Remind yourself of what's really important in life.  KALBI TACOS.

Beef up your skills; become better and faster at what you do.  THIS EMAIL ONLY TOOK ME 5 MINUTES TO COMPOSE.

Make sure you truly know what is expected of you (you may need to talk to your boss).  MY BOSS AVOIDS ME.

Try looking at situations from different points of view.  HOW WOULD THE MAIL ROOM GUY HANDLE MY SITUATION…

Seek work that suits your personality.  CMO.

Learn to say "no."  DONE.

Always have a fallback plan (a "Plan B").  TACO TRUCK.

Get better organized.   PLANNING TO START A UNION FOR MY DEPT.  EFF THE MAN.

Clean up workspace clutter.  I AM TRYING TO GET “THAT GUY” FIRED.

Stop procrastinating.  I NEVER HESITATE.  AS SOON AS FEEL THE URGE TO GO #1, I GO.

Make your workspace as ergonomic as you can.  DECIDING WHETHER TO TURN GARBAGE CAN INTO OFFICE TOILET. 

Wear clothes that are comfortable and that you look good in.  A MUUMUU WOULD LOOK GOOD HERE.

Try some "positive affirmations."  THERE ARE OTHERS THAT SUCK WORSE THAN ME.

Learn to manage your boss.  I THINK HE’S AFRAID OF ME.

Meditate/pray/contemplate.  IS THIS SOME STUPID PLAY OFF EAT PRAY LOVE??

Avoid negative people as much as you can.  ONE CANNOT AVOID ONESELF.

Write down the things you like about your job.  MY PAYCHECKS DON’T BOUNCE.

Make a list of all your achievements in the last year.  1) AQUATHON, 2) …

Get clear on your life goals and take a step, no matter how small, toward those goals every day.  IT’S BEEN 10+ YEARS OF BABY STEPS TOWARDS MEDIOCRITY.

Learn to love yourself as you are.  QUICKEST PATH TO BECOME A FAT BASTARD.

Put a smile on your face.  TACO TUESDAYS AT KALBIQ.

Get a hobby that makes you happy.  PAPER CLIP SCULPTURES.

Learn to prioritize. Learn to delegate.  LUNCH IS A PRIORITY.  TRYING TO HIRE A MANTERN TO DELEGATE.

Stop comparing yourself to others.  COMPARING YOURSELF TO ONE OF THOSE MALL KIOSK GUYS USUALLY LEADS TO A SMILE.

Ask for help when you need it.  I DON’T KNOW HOW TO PLUG THE DAMN PROPANE TANK TO MY GRILL.

Break big jobs into bite-size pieces.   MY APPROACH ON SLIPPING PROZAC INTO MY ADMIN’S WATER.

Know your limitations and let others know them too.  I AM CAPABLE OF ONLY 1.25 HOURS OF WORK IN ANY GIVEN WORK DAY.

Don't try to control what is uncontrollable.  IVE GIVEN UP HOPE THAT OUR STOCK IS EVER GOING TO MAKE US RICH.

Hang in there!  SHUT UP.