From: Jaba, Chief Mockery Officer
Date: January 18, 2011
Re: New Happy Hour Policy
It has been brought to my attention that company employees have been: 1) declining invitations to happy hour, 2) accepting invitations then declining in the last minute, or 3) accepting invitations and simply not showing up. Such actions are completely unacceptable. Due to the continued disregard of happy hour etiquette by certain employees, I have implemented the new policies below that are effectively immediately.
Seniority Rules. If you are invited to happy hour by your manager, supervisor, or anybody with an important sounding title (regardless of whether such title confers any actual authority to the individual), you are required to attend. Failure to attend demonstrates your inability to grasp basic concepts like an org chart, and suggests that you should be working at a mall kiosk instead of at an office environment.
Relocate. If you fail to show up to happy hour during a particularly nice Southern California evenings, you will be automatically added to the Project Realignment list and will likely be transferred to our offices in central Florida by the end of the quarter. Once in central Florida, you will be permitted to decline all the happy hours you desire considering the heat, humidity, and the fact that you will be in central Florida.
Cushy Job. Despite what you may believe, you have a fairly easy job. Working from 8am to 5pm with an hour lunch break does not constitute a long day. If you decline happy hour using the “I’m too tired from work” excuse, you will be put on the investment banker 14/196 schedule in which you will be required to work 14 hours a day for 196 total hours per pay period so that you will have something to really complain about. Your first infraction will require you to be on the 14/196 schedule for one pay period with each subsequent infraction adding an additional pay period to the term. If you don’t have sufficient work to fill the 14/196 schedule, you will assist the janitorial crew in cleaning the bathrooms.
No Flip Flops. Once you have accepted an invitation to happy hour, you must attend the event. If you fail to show up, regardless of whether you informed the happy hour organizer or not, he will be permitted to repeatedly beat you over the head with a fair of flip flops. If your failure to show up causes economic harm to the organizer, he is permitted to use the nearest blunt object in lieu of flip flops. Any resulting head trauma and/or brain damage will be your responsibility and will not be covered be the company’s medical plan.
American Idol. If you decline happy hour so that you can watch American Idol (or any variant thereof), you will be summarily terminated. Due to the ridiculousness of your excuse, your hiring manager will also be terminated.
Permitted Exemptions. You are permitted to skip happy hour in the event of the following: death of an immediate family member (including family pet) within the past 48 hours, nationally declared flu pandemic, happy hour is at Chile’s, or you are on travel beyond 100 miles of the city limits.