January 13, 2011

From the Desk of the Chief Mockery Officer: Personal Hygiene Policy

To: My Minions
From: Jaba, Chief Mockery Officer
Date: January 13, 2011
Re: Personal Hygiene Policy

It has been brought to my attention that despite the Swine Flu epidemic of 2009 and the lessons it should have taught us all about practicing good personal hygiene, certain employees are still demonstrating unsanitary behavior in the workplace. Reported incidents include common indiscretions such as not washing one’s hands after going to the bathroom and male employees not lifting up the toilet seat prior to “going #1”, to more extreme cases such as a certain employee who inexplicably applies nasal excrement, i.e. boogers, on his travel receipts prior to submitting them for reimbursement.

Such disgusting behavior not only poses a health risk to fellow employees, but we are also certain that it violates OSHA regulations. Therefore, I have implemented a training program as well as issued new guidelines on personal hygiene as summarized below.

Training. Once a year, employees are required to attend a one-hour training course on personal hygiene. Courses will be offered weekly at all company locations and are presented as live simulcast with local kindergartens. Personal hygiene training is mandatory and proof of completion will be required as part of your focal point review.

Hand Washing. It appears that some of you may have incorrectly assumed that the bathroom placards reminding you to wash your hands are merely a suggestion. It is not. Washing your hands after using the facilities is mandatory. In addition, briefly running your fingers under cold water does not constitute hand washing. That is simply finger moistening. Failure to comply will result in banishment from bathroom use for the rest of the day. After the second offense, you will be banned from using any company bathroom for one week. After the third offense, you will receive a lifetime ban and will be required to use the intern bucket located outside of every company building.

Toilet Seats: Up or Down? Male employees should utilize the urinals when “going #1”. That is what it’s there for. However, if you insist on using the toilets due to the fear of back-spray or if all the urinals are occupied, you are required to lift up the toilet seat prior to relieving yourself. If you are caught urinating on the toilet seat, you will be required to work over-time with the janitorial crew, and you will not be the ranking employee.

Passing Gas. You may be under the impression that being in an office isolates others from your flatulence. It does not. The office air duct system simply will disperse the offensive odor to adjoining offices and depending on what you had for your last meal, possibly throughout the entire floor. If you must pass gas, do so in the bathroom, and remain there for at least three minutes before exiting.

Reimbursement Documents. Under no circumstance should you submit travel receipts or other reimbursement documents with a booger on it. Never. NEVER EVER. If you submit one with a booger that has a nose hair on it, you will be summarily terminated and reported to the local authorities for prosecution.


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