Open letter to Charlie Sheen: You're an idiot

Not because you enjoy partaking in a bit of the blow...and the blow, but because your dumbass seems to keep on overpaying for whores.  Fuck rehab.  What you need are a few economics classes.  According to Gawker, you paid porn star-slash-escort Kacey Jordan thirty grand to "party" with you.  Here is the thing Charlie: you WAY overpaid.  I don't care that she's cute (debatable) or that she's a porn star (a dime a dozen), paying some STD-ridden skank that much money to do something that she probably would have done for free is idiotic.

So what would have been a fair price?  While high-end escorts like to throw around absurd numbers like $1,000 to $2,000 per hour, they're delusional.  The economy is still tough so you've got plenty of negotiating room.  $500 to $1,000 is more reasonable, and besides you're providing the free coke.  So for six hours of her time, $3,000 to $6,000 is a fair price.  Since she is a "porn star", perhaps she'll be at the higher end of that range.  But definitely not $30,000. 

Here's my suggestion to you: hire me as your harem handler.  As you can tell, I hate my current job but I'm very good at "handling things".  I'll manage your ever-growing stable of ladies and make sure all the talent is sourced at a fair price.  I'm asking for competitive pay and considering how much you've been spending on just one night of fun, I'm pretty sure my salary will be a rounding error for you.  

You can reach me anytime at  me at chiefmockeryofficer@gmail.com.  I'm looking forward to hearing from you.