It’s
a statement of fact that our country has been getting fatter and fatter
over the past few decades and that all that fatness directly impacts
our collective pocket books in the form of higher medical costs and
lower productivity. Yes, it’s true: fat people get sick more often and
generally don’t work as efficiently due to all their excessive heaving
and sweating.
Before all you fatties send me your hate mail, please
keep in mind that I use to be border-line morbidly obese. My Body Mass
Index was probably double my age and my blood pressure and cholesterol
levels were that of a competitive eater. I had a large drum of Advil
sitting on my desk to help me control nagging daily headaches that were
probably caused by my plaque-ridden arteries bulging to near-breaking
point. I visited the doctor’s office so often that the front-desk and
nursing staff new me by my first name. I was like fucking Norm’s at a
Kaiser Permanente version of Cheer’s.
After
seeing disgusting photos of myself at a birthday party, I decided to do
something about my fatness and have managed to lose over 70 lbs over
the past few years. I’m now fit to the point that I can comfortably
make fun of fat people, which brings me back to the point of this post:
fat fucking employees. Specifically, fat fucking employees at my company. We have many of them. In fact, I’d say that the majority of
our employees can be classified as fat bastards. They’re walking heart
attacks who, while providing me with great entertainment value, are
costing me a fortune in higher company health insurance premiums.
The
irony is that many of these employees are die-hard right-winger types
who like to blame higher medical costs on illegals, a Socialist takeover
of our medical system, and whatever else they may have heard on Fox News.
No, it can’t possibly be their size 40 pants and weekly refills of
blood-thinner medication. And it’s definitely not the monster-sized
breakfasts these fat fucks order up at the company cafeteria. While
it’s true that most health experts suggest that one should eat a daily
breakfast, I don’t think they had in mind the colossal calorie bombs
that our employees manage to scarf down every morning.
So
what exactly are these sea cows ordering? On a recent trip to the
cafeteria, I witnessed a swollen-bellied gentleman who looked like he was
with child, order the following:
- Three strips of bacon
- Three sausage patties (cause the three strips of bacon was just not enough pork)
- Large scoop of corned beef hash
- Large scoop of hash browns
- Two biscuits
- All smothered with gravy ("smother" was his exact instructions)
That
was a single order just for him. He actually got slightly peeved at
the server for not sufficiently "smothering" enough gravy on the meats. I
think MY arteries got clogged just standing there. I decided to figure
out how many calories was in his breakfast. Here is the breakdown based on the caloric information I got from CalorieKing:
- Three strips of bacon: 183 calories
- Three sausage patties: 510 calories
- Large scoop of corned beef hash: 440 calories
- Large scoop of hash browns: 420 calories
- Two biscuits: 520 calories
- Smothering of gravy: Let’s just say 500 calories but it was probably more
So
in total this chub-a-tub consumed almost 3000 calories before most
people have taken their mid-morning shits in the office. And trust me,
this guy isn’t the exception. Based on my daily observation of the
office wildebeests’ eating habits, 2000 to 3000 calorie breakfasts are
quite the norm.
As
Chief Mockery Officer, I cannot let this continue. It’s one thing if I
have to pay higher medical costs for my own hedonistic ways, but I’ll be
damned if I have to take my hard-earned money (stop snickering, being
CMO can be hard work) and use it to make sure some pork-snorting
moo-shoo lives another year. That is why I’ve delegated mockery powers
to Guillermo and the rest of the cafeteria staff. They will have the
authority to refuse fulfilling certain food orders if they deem that the
employee placing the order is just too fucking fat. For example, if
the employee above tries ordering a similar breakfast in the future,
Guillermo is able to tell him, “No pork fat and gravy for you!”, and
force him to go get some fruit and yogurt instead. I have also secured
budget from the executive committee to hire additional security guards
in the event employees go on a pork-lust rampage.
I guarantee you our company's healthcare costs will start to decline.
(Photos above are not of me when I was fat or the real Guillermo)
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