Kids are like MBA degrees

On Sunday night I decided to head over to Target to pick up some new pillows.  My old ones have turned completely golden.  And by golden I mean turd brown.  That probably explains my itchy scalp.  Anyways, I was over at Target and after ten minutes in the store I reached the conclusion that I don’t want kids.  Ever.  That place was a madhouse filled with crazy little shits who were screaming bloody murder and rolling around on the ground.  How their parents haven’t drowned them in the toilet by now is beyond me. 

My little excursion to Target got me thinking: kids are like MBA degrees.  All MBA degrees are expensive.  So are kids.  Despite their exorbitant costs, most won’t amount to much.  Seriously, unless you get an MBA from a top-10 school, your diploma is worthless.  Think that Phoenix University MBA is going to fast-track you to an executive position?  Think again.  The only thing it will fast-track you too is to the bottom of the resume pile.  Kids are the same way.  Unless you happen to get the kid that becomes an investment banker or a hedge fund manager, your “investment” in the runt is going to net nothing more than a cubicle jockey. 

In addition, parents are like MBA’s.  If their kid does end up being a super-star, they won’t shut up about it.  Same with Ivy League MBA’s.  Have you ever talked to one?  It’s fucking obnoxious.  The first time you meet one, you’ll know within five minutes that he got his MBA from an Ivy League.  How?  Cause he’ll fucking tell you.  And how about parents of loser kids?  They’re no better.  They’ll also blabber on about their kids but it’s to try to convince you that their kids aren’t really losers. 

“Billy is part of Frito Lay’s leadership program.  He’ll be managing his own Cheetoh’s territory soon.”

“Joey got hired as an account executive at Charles Schwab.  I always knew he’ll be an executive.”

MBA’s who got their degrees from shitty schools are the same way.

“According to Business Week, University of Florida’s Business School is ranked in the top 50 for Swampland Agro-Business Studies.”

“We’re basically the Harvard of the Tennessee Valley.”

So bottom line: don’t have kids and don’t get your MBA from a program that requires a preface.