94 percent chance you will get bowel cancer

Here's some bad news dear minions: a recent study in Australia shows that having a desk job will increase your chances of developing a tumor in your bowels by 94 percent.  Apparently even vigorous exercise won't help:

"Even a high level of vigorous recreational physical activity did not modify the effect of sedentary work.' And they warned: ‘The findings have occupational health implications, given that advances in technology have led to increasing amounts of sedentary behaviour at work.' Sitting down on the job is thought to lead to increased blood sugar levels and damage insulin production, both of which have been linked with the development of bowel cancer"

So basically you're screwed.