February 8, 2011

Gallup Schmallup

In the next month or so, our company is going spend a shit-load of money to have Gallup perform a company-wide employee survey.  We had one done a few years back and our department managed to score so poorly that the results actually shamed our leadership into trying to improve employee morale.  That lasted all of about two months than it was back to the same old monkiness.

So now Gallup is back and one of the things they’ll be trying to measure is employee engagement.  They’ve grouped employees into three buckets based on their level of engagement:

gallup survey funny employee engagement

(photo via Gallup)

According to their crack research, and by crack I mean the freebase form of cocaine, “engaged employees are more productive, profitable, safer, create stronger customer relationships, and stay longer with their company than less engaged employees”.  This is the type of deep insight that we're going to be pissing away good money for.  In any case, it’s probably fair to say that I don’t fall in the “Engaged” category.  In fact, I suggest that Gallup come up with a fourth category: Criminally Disengaged.  Here are my top reasons why I would befit such a label:

- I’ve been trying to lead an Egyptian-style employee revolt long before most Americans knew who the hell Mubarak was.

- I do not believe actively running ChiefMockeryOfficer.com on the company laptop counts as proper workplace internet usage. 

- Missing company equipment could probably be tracked down on eBay.  Just saying.

- There are more swear words in my email account than on Urban Dictionary.

- I spend more of the average work day at breakfast, lunch, the gym, and the massage parlor than physically in my office. 

- My girlfriend is in a different city.  Sometimes, I get that lovin feeling during the work day.  My office blinds close and my door locks.  You figure it out.


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