Despite my numerous warnings about how meaningless our performance review process is, my minions insist on writing lengthy dissertations for their performance reviews. Yesterday, I even offered a cash reward of $500 for anyone that submits a performance review that has only one sentence per section. No one took me up on the offer even though the $500 is probably greater than their actual after-tax pay raise.
It may be possible that my minions are visual learners. Therefore, I've created the following chart to help them understand that all their typing won't have any impact on their compensation:
If they still don't get it after this graphical illustration then fuck 'em.