March 4, 2011

Chief Mockery Officer to open office mini-mart

funny cubicle restaurant

For a while now I’ve suspected that our company has been using its employees as a way to spruce up the quarterly earnings.  How you ask?  By charging us inflated prices on food and drinks.  I’ve already bitched about the $10 co-pay at our company picnic, but it goes well beyond overpriced hot dogs.  This place over-charges us for everything.  Take the cafeteria for example.  I go there every morning to get my breakfast of two eggs, two sausage links and some fruit as well as to watch the wildebeest in action.  You know how much that  meal costs?  7 bucks.  Seven freaking dollars for a couple of eggs, two shriveled over-cooked sausages and some sickly looking fruit pieces. 

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t expect the company to subsidize our meals.  I’ve long given up hope that our company is a place where employees get perks of any kind.  All I’m asking is that we simply break even on items we sell to our employees.  The wholesale price of two eggs, two sausages, and the fruit is around $2 (probably less but whatever).  We apply a 2-multiplier on stuff we sell to our clients so let’s apply the same multiplier on the things we sell to our employees.  That means a fair price (including a profit margin) for my breakfast should be four bucks, not seven.  Instead, the company is making a borderline criminal 250 percent profit margin on the food it’s selling to employees. 

The same kind of premium pricing is being charged for coffee and vending machine snacks.  So like a good free-marketeer, I’ve decided to profit from this employee gouging by opening up a mini-mart in my office to undercut the company pricing.  Need a freshly brewed cup of Starbucks coffee?  Don’t pay $2 at the cafeteria.  Stop by the CMO’s office and I’ll serve you a hot cup for only $1.50.  Blood sugar dropping?  Why throw away 85 cents worth of coins into the vending machine when I’ll sell you a Snicker’s bar for a reasonable 75 cents.  Your boss charging you $10 per birthday bagels and fruit (seriously, our department collects $10 from employees for birthday bagels and fruit)?  Screw him or her.  Just place an order with me the day before and I’ll have fresh bagels and other goodies delivered to your conference room for a lot less than $10.   

Our management always spews a bunch of bullshit about how we’re an entrepreneurial company.  Now it won't be total bullshit. 

Editor’s note:

I just found out that the comment above about no employee perks isn’t entirely true.  It was just announced on our company’s intranet that employees can get discount tickets to the upcoming Home and Garden show.  Hell yeah.  


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Chief Mockery Officer is owned and operated by The Jaba Group.